The Breslin Bar: Restaurant Review/Soft Opening

Stepping into my favorite bar in the lobby of the Ace Hotel, I was pleasantly surprised to see the Breslin was having its soft opening. So of course I had to go. Same owners as The Spotted Pig, but no horrendously long wait in line with a slew of foodies? Hell yes.

The place is nice, its in an old unrestored room, great ceilings. Lots of animal heads and sculptures hanging out. Has that worn overstuffed leather feel but all the furniture is brand spankin new. It's like all the hipsters in Williamsburg grew up, made lots of their own money an opened a "rustic" hunting lodge. It's actually designed by Architectural firm Roman and Williams, who did the Lobby of the Ace Hotel. Vinyl records, horsehair and stuffed badgers, oh my...

Wait, so next I bring the food to the... ummm...

Service is slow, they are obviously working out the kinks. Since it was the soft opening, there was a limited dinner menu, and the kitchen was definitely going through a shakedown. I'm sure they'll get thinks going smoothly soon.

Charcuterie from Left: head cheese, rabbit with prune, rustic pork with pistachios, ginea hen with morels

The Charcuterie is ok. There are some mighty fancy ingredients going on, unfortunately none of them are allowed to sing. This is most evident in the Ginea Hen with morels, it tastes just like a cheap processed chicken loaf; watery with a bit too much salt and a disconcertingly homogeneous texture. The rabbit suffered the same consequences, just being kinda "meh", and was a little tough. The head cheese (really bad name for a food) tasted like it should, pulled pork with a ton of fat. The rustic pork was the only star here, the pistachios added a nice variation in texture and it tasted like a lovely unsalted fresh salami.

After our main dishes finally arrived, I regretted only coming with one companion, as we could only order two items. I must say the mains are where this place shines.

Rustic photo (grown-up hipster for "low light iphone shot") of the Poussin.

The Poussin had a superb "perfect roasted chicken" flavor, offset by a bitter pomegranate reduction and pops of the pomegranate seeds. The pumpkin seeds here and there were fine, but the best part was an unexpected hit of mint. The accompanying toasted pumpkin was sweet and delicious, with a hint of cumin. Really an inspired grouping of diverse and unexpected flavors.

The Beef shin was cooked nicely, perhaps erring on the firm/dry side, but not too much. There is a punch of citrus in it, and when eaten with the parsley's fresh herbal notes comes together marvelously. The polenta is firm and good, but the real star I thought was the black cabbage puree; it had wonderful amounts of butter and cream, so it was rich and delicious but did not step over the line into cloying.

The deserts need work. The quince crumble was almost there, the buttery sauce and quinces being done just about perfectly, but the crumble falls painfully short. Instead of a wonderful complex topping it seems like someone sprinkled store bought granola on it. They brought us a chocolate mousse with beer (the dessert chef is really nice btw) and the mousse had an inconsistent texture, at times thick, others runny, and the beer flavor added a little too much bitter that was not quite balanced.

Overall
Ok, here I buy the high end super expensive "salt of the earth pub fare" genre. Its great. Also the breakfast menu looks great, fry ups with pork of all kinds, mmmmm yes. Ken Friedman and April Bloomfield have once again managed to bring the Gastro-Pub rage to us from across the pond (with the help of Peter Cho, the current chef at the Breslin Bar).

The Breslin, 3 out of 5 bacon strips.

The Breslin Bar and Dining Room
20 W. 29th St. , New York, NY 10001
(Just east of Broadway)

This concludes Gastroliaison's mini review of the Breslin Bar.

Restaurant Review: The Shake Shack

The short of it:
If you've ever had a craving for the simpler times of the cheeseburger, before demand from the overpaid nimrods on wall street pushed it so far in complexity, size and cost, it somehow morphed into something Dr. Frankenstein would have been proud of, look no further than the Shake Shack. You need to eat this burger, and you need to experience one of the great quintessential NY dining experiences.

Eat: The Shackburger (single or double), excellent fries (maybe go all out and get the cheese sauce), 'shroom burger is decent too.

Drink: Frozen custard shakes, beer, and Arnold Palmers.

Note: Long waits (about an hour) are famous at the Madison Ave location, uptown spot is faster and you can call in, but its not nearly the same experience. Shake Shack's branding was done by Pentagram, whose NY office sits on the west side of the park; it just goes to show that any place that sweats the details in their appearance is usually gonna do the same with their food.

Sweet, 43rd already!

The long:
Expect a line, unless you arrive at 9:45 on a weeknight (after the late dinner crowd, but before the just got done drinking crew). Trust me though, an hours wait for this juicy tidbit, with the chance to eat it alfresco in our beautiful borough of Manhattan (with a beer if you desire) is well worth it. Standing in line is great people watching, send someone to the deli to brown bag a beer, you might even make a friend or two (we did).

You should know ahead of time this is a griddle cooked burger, it's a very different animal from a grilled burger. It's thinner and has a different kind of sear on it, and I'm not gonna deliberate here which one is better; its kinda like comparing an Aston Martin to a Ferrari.

One box of delicious with a side of tasty. Thank you Shake Shack, thank you.

The Shake Shack starts off right, blending some brisket (flavor), chuck (flavor), and some short rib (fat). They know the right way to prep their meat for the griddle (unlike LaCense), using a loose easy grind, and keeping the patting to a minimum. This allows the burger's proteins to stay loose and retain their juices (taste), as well as avoiding any unpleasant rubbery texture. It also creates those nice little nooks and crannies that hold the lovely melted cheesy goodness.

You just made 10,000 taste buds your BFFs.

The burger is cooked perfectly, has a great char, with crisp little edges here and there. It's juicy and flavorful throughout. The cheese is spot on, with enough American cheese flavor to stand up to the burger without overstepping its supporting role. The Shack Sauce (any snack bar burger worth its salt had better have special sauce) is good, but it's mayo based so if you don't like that skip it. The tomato and lettuce add just the right variation in taste and texture. The bun is moist and tasty, but not so soft as to fall apart on you.

The whole thing is nice and thin so your mouth isn't doing an impression of the Lincoln Tunnel at rush hour, and the little wax paper sack it comes in keeps the grease off your lap. It is exactly what a griddle cooked burger should be; every person should eat this once.

A snackbar as only Manhattan could do it.

Sit under the lights at Madison Square Park, dig into a great burger with an ice cold beer, and watch the city go by as you chat with friends. Heaven.

The Shake Shack: 3/5 Bacon Strips

This concludes Gastroliaison's review of The Shake Shack.

Bar Review: Wilfie & Nell

The Short of it...
This is a great place to go with some friends for some bar food and beer. Early arrivals mean quiet space, as the night drags on it fills and gets too loud to have a conversation below a soft shout. The food is hit or miss, but when its a hit it's great. The decor is that contrived gastro-pub/urban farmhouse oasis that one can't seem to get away from, but it's a good little spot.

EAT: Amazing sliders, great grilled cheese, good fries, good salad.

DRINK: Great beers, good wine, whiskey tea, and they will make spiked Arnold Palmers (hooray!)

AVOID: Anything with sausage, I mean it.

Some interior decorator took 3 weeks planning the "haphazard" box pile.

And the Long...

The owner of this place is buddies with Joaquin Baca (the guy behind Momofuku and Rusty Knot), who put the menu together. So I was not surprised to see written on the menu "Wilfie & Nell prides itself on sourcing foods from the following local purveyors (ostentatious for nearby suppliers): Bread: Blue Ribbon Bakery. Cheese: Murray’s Cheese Shop Chutneys and preserves: Beth's Farm Kitchen. Meat: Piccinini Brothers. Pickles: Bob McClure".

Wood slats, mismatched tables, mason jars, you get the idea.

These are good places to be buying stuff from, so we can overlook the culinary equivalent of name dropping at a party and get down to brass tacks. The menu looks like the kiddies at top chef were told to make pub food. The roots are there, and there is special attention paid to the ingredients. Farmhouse cheddar, gruyere (these are my favorite cheeses) and tallegio (its good too). You can have your choice in their excellent grilled cheese. These are thick, buttery, crisp, gooey bombs of cheezy goodness. I recommend any, but I especially like the ham and cheddar. These guys do know how to get a crisp buttery surface on a slice of toast, that's for sure.

Great bread and cheese, skip the corned beef.

Oddly enough, the Corned Beef and Gruyere was a huge fail. The gruyere simply overpowered it (or the corned beef is underwhelming), so instead of any flavor from the meat all you get is salt. This makes the cheese even more robust, but too salty, and just doesn't quite do it. If you're gonna intake that much cheese, meat and butter it had better be worth every single calorie.


The salad is delicious, and the fries are great. The real super star(s) here though is (are) the Berkshire Pork sliders. The meat is perfect, the pickles a little spicy, and the cut surface of the brioche bun has been subjected to that same heavenly treatment as the grilled cheese; the insides of the bun have an amazingly satisfying buttery crisp bite that offsets the soft texture of the pork.

These are good, really, really good.

On a high from the pork sliders (or perhaps all that Smithwick's Ale...) I thought it prudent to sample the pigs in blankets. These little pork sausages are not wrapped in your run of the mill pastry dough my friends, they are wrapped in BACON.

Wait, do I smell bacon?!?!

Sadly, I did not plunge to uncharted depths of deliciousness, discovering a new, delectable, diet-damming dish. I am of the opinion that bacon is one of the most perfect foods ever, so these little things are a travesty. The sausage is like a stick of greasy chewy salt, wrapped in a piece of bacon so overly cooked that it tastes like charcoal; the cook should be scolded.

You may need to avert your eyes.

They look like cat poop, and they are so greasy they actually stained the granite bar through the wax paper and the basket they came in. The poor HP sauce they come with, that has been bravely masking horrible English pub food for centuries, tries in vain to overcome these little burnt salt licks from hell. Looking at my neighbors Scotch Egg and its charred beyond taste sausage shell, I abstained from ordering one. Anything with sausage is a no no at Wilfie and Nell's.

This bar is a good place to be.

The only drink worth mentioning is the whiskey tea. The others are Kool-Aid with booze (the bramble especially) or glorified gin and tonics. Great beers, good wines.

Wilfie and Nell: 2/5 bacon strips

This concludes Gastroliaison's review of Wilfie and Nell.

Recipie: Buerre Maître d'Hôtel

This is a classic, must have, for anyone who wants to grill or roast or broil just about anything. It will add a delicious citrus herb finish to everything from mushrooms to broccoli to shellfish. You can keep it in the freezer for months, slicing off as much as you need per meal. Trust me, it's great to keep on hand.

Background
Buerre Maître d'Hôtel (Buerre Maître D') is a classic french invention. The Maître D' is the master of the hotel or restaurant, assigned with making sure everything goes smoothly, getting people seated, etc... Did a Maître D' first make this butter up to sooth disgruntled patrons, unhappy with their hangar steak? I have no idea, but I do know that any bistro worth its salt in Paris has a great one, ready to slap onto your steak as it rests. Ummm, butter, on top of steak? Isn't that the French acting all stereotypical and making my food too rich? Dairy fat on meat fat? Gross. Oh, wait, cheeseburgers...

Do I smell cheesesteak?

Butter (fat) is a great way to finish grilled meats. It adds a depth of flavor that is subtle, yet delicious. Take note, Peter Lugers finishes every single steak with a big old pat of butter (fat). Authentic Bistecca alla Fiorentina is finished with olive oil (fat) and lemon. Authentic steak frites is finished with, well you get the picture.

Gastroliaison's Buerre Maître D'

So what you are doing is mixing parsley, garlic (or shallot for a nice, mild twist), lemon and ground pepper into softened butter. It takes a little patience, but is well worth the effort, and keeps for a few months in your freezer. A garlic press really comes in handy here. Note- If you freeze it, make sure you cut off the slabs you need ahead of time, so they can thaw.

Use unsalted butter, that way you can judge your salt easier because the butter won't add any to the dish. Since fat is such a good conductor of flavor for spices, adding the black pepper to the butter gives a really fresh pepper flavor. This is especially true of grilled meats, where the high heat of the grill actually diminishes the punch of the pepper.

Red wine/beer/any cocktail is optional equipment...

Ingredients

• 1/4 a small bunch of parsley
• 1 clove of garlic
• 1 stick of unsalted butter at room temperature
• 1 lemon (the juice only)
• About 8 twists on the grinder of black pepper
  

Equipment

• Garlic press
• Knife & Board
• Mixing bowl
• Flat wood spoon
• Parchment paper or plastic wrap
  

Here is a tip for getting the skin off your cloves easy-










Cut the top and bottom off the clove









Smash it with the side of your knife









Done.









Preparation

1. Crush skinned garlic in a press.
2. Chop parsley fairly fine.
3. Juice the lemon.
4. Cut the butter into small cubes (it makes the stirring easier).
5. Combine in a bowl with the pepper too (pictured below is waaaaay to much parsley)
6. Stir. It takes a while, but that lemon juice will incorporate! Again, I used too much parsley here.
7. Lay it out on parchment paper
8. Roll it up into a little log, and twist the ends. then stick it in the fridge or freezer. I won't ask how you got good at that...

Try roasting clams with this, or fish in a packet with a splash of wine, put it on some asparagus, or on a portobello mushroom cap as it grills. Melt it for your lobster, stuff snails with it, spread it on a hot baguette, stuff it under the skin of a chicken before you roast it. The possibilities are endless.

This concludes Gastroliaison's recipe for Buerre Maître d'Hôtel

Recipie: Grilled Snow Peas

Want to impress your better half? Take them to a farmers market on the weekend.
Then cook for them.

Ahhh, summer. It means so many things my stomach. Drinking outside, cooking outside, shopping outside, eating outside, wait I see a theme. So in my constant effort to combine as many of the above actions as possible, I made a trip to my local farmers market.

Summer also means peas are nice and fresh up here in the N.E. because they're in season. Season? Yes, even though the giant industrial food machine has done its best to one up mother nature and erase the whole idea of foods growing during a certain time of the year thing, it still exists.

Today we all live in a world where one can have any type of produce at any time of the year. I think its a little out of control. I mean really, do you honestly think it's responsible to put peas on a jet in Guatemala and fly them to your local supermarket? That makes about as much sense as offering massive tax breaks on ridiculously inefficient, obscenely heavy vehicles that in the event of an accident tend to kill anyone not driving one. Oh, wait...

I love hummers too you know...

Lets get a little local
Buying locally is a good idea, it reduces the amount of energy used to get the food to your plate. A Boeing 727 cargo jet burns around 1250 gallons per hour of flight. More on take off, landing, idling, but let's not split hairs. The flight from Guatemala is about 4.5 hours so that's 5625 gallons of super refined, JA-1 aviation fuel used, just in the air. There's lots of trucks involved too, loading of the airplane, moving of containers, that's a lot of energy for a pea, huh?

Waiting for things to be in season increases your appreciation of them. It can also create more responsible practices by our food producers. If you don't demand beef all year round and wait until the winter, producers might just let them eat grass all summer. That would be good for the planet, and your taste-buds.


Gastroliaison's Grilled Snow Peas
The snow pea is an immature pea. Picked early, its pods are tender and delicious. Get nice green ones that snap crisply when you break them. Wash them and eat them right away, they won't last more than 2-3 days in the fridge (in a plastic bag).

Throw them on a hot hot grill, about 3 minutes per side till they get nice charred spots on them.

Sprinkle with a nice sea salt, like fleur de sel, and viola!

Peruvian Chicken Recipie: Ferocious dancing chicken on the grill

Chicken breasts can be tricky things. Whether Road Island Red, Sussex or Wyandotte, a myriad of pitfalls await your little fowl on the way to the serving platter. Many home chefs experience a dry, rubbery, flavorless or forgettable chicken. All your problems basically arise from a rather sensible fear of counting the tiles on your bathroom floor 10 times undercooked chicken.

In order to get a nice, crisp, self basting in its own deliciousness skin, the fat layer under the skin must be at around 400 degrees Fahrenheit. Today's chicken breasts are just ridiculously thick; if you cook them at that temp for the amount of time its gonna take for the center of the chicken to reach 165 degrees, well, you've seen Christmas Vacation, right?


Dry...

Avoiding dry chicken
Yes, you can brine your chicken for hours, it's great. You can marinade for a day (same thing basically), tent with foil, vary temperature in the midst of cooking, but really, all that's a ton of work. Lets make a meal that you can crank out after hitting the store on your way home from work, with kids bouncing around and/or your friends (and the the limited amount of time you actually have with them) being the top priority.

The problem with your modern, bred for maximum breast thickness chicken, is the thickness. This is surprisingly easy to overcome. Just flatten it. Yes, skin and bones attached, as these lovely items give you the best tasting chicken possible.

Ummm, no

It's easy, place the breast, bone side down, between some parchment or waxed paper (plastic wrap will do in a pinch), and pound it with a butcher's mallet, rolling pin, or better yet, the empty wine bottle you and your friends made empty while munching some grilled snow peas. Get it to a nice even thickness of about 1".

Now you're ready. Lets get cooking and you too can make a chicken so good your adult guests will be talking about it for weeks, and inspired a 5 year old to dub it "ferocious dancing chicken". Really.

Crisp, not burnt skin; juicy, fully cooked chicken. Your friends will love you.

Gastroliaison's Peruvian Chicken Recipie
The lovely thing about South American food is that you will find a tremendous historical influence from the myriad of European and Asian expats who live there. Just like Argentina's milanesa (thank you Italy), Peruvian chicken was fusion way before Sushi Samba decided to charge you an arm and a leg for it. Soy sauce? Why yes, there's loads of Japanese in Peru.

Serves 4 big eaters (one breast each) or more (you can slice it, serve with a starch and salad, it will go further). It keeps well for picnics or sandwiches later, so if cooking for 2 do the whole batch and have leftovers.

Shopping

• 4 skin on, bone in, split chicken breasts (or 2 whole ones, then split them yourself)
• Soy Sauce
• Cumin (the ground kind, not whole seeds)
• 2 Limes
• 1 head of garlic
• Paprika
• Oregano
• Black pepper

Preparation
Flatten your chicken
In a blender or food processor put-

• 1/3 cup soy sauce
• Juice of one lime
• 5 peeled cloves of garlic (nice big ones)
• 1 tablespoon cumin
• 1 tablespoon paprika
• 1 teaspoon ground black pepper

Liquefy it.
(if you don't have a blender/processor handy mince or press the garlic and really mix it all well).

Spread all over your chicken, lifting the skin in a corner with your fingers and pushing the sauce under it. Let that sit for at least 15 minutes, an hour is best.

Cooking
Gas grill- preheat it on high, then turn to medium when you put the chicken on.
Charcoal grill- build a 2 zone fire, wait for nice red coals, cover to heat the entire grill surface.

Put the chicken on the grill, skin side down (if using charcoal do this on the part away from the coals). Close the lid. Cook for 6 minutes.

The preheated grill rack will give you the nice sear marks, but the lower or indirect heat will keep your chicken skin from becoming a charcoal blanket. Get it?

Flip to bone side (charcoal folks, again not above the coals). Close the lid. Cook for 7 minutes. Check your chicken by slicing into the thickest part and look. You should get a run of nice, clear juice from it. If not, give it a minute more. When ready, remove and serve with a wedge of your extra lime (you bought two for a reason).

In the oven, use a roasting pan and cook skin side up for about 12 minutes, check the chicken as above.

Delicious with a nice Sancerre.

Drinks Ahoy! Mojito & The Sofia

Coulda sworn I parked the houseboat right here...

Summer is upon us again, and it's time to indulge in one of my favorite pastimes, drinking outdoors (preferably within eyesight of a large body of water). I start thinking about fresh briny oysters, sunsets over the ocean, and just getting everyone completely sauced entertaining with style.

I can't help it, it's in my blood. Being born on Nantucket, and having learned to sail before I could walk, I know a thing or two about Sperry Topsiders, shellfish and great excuses to get tanked before sundown. My family has been doing that for 5 generations on the island, long enough to get us noted several times in this little book:

I just love plaid, don't you?

If you really need to know what being waspy and preppy has to do with my credentials as the undisputed connoisseur and dispenser of cocktails, let me muddle this one up for you. Where I "summer," people you sometimes have to invite over will act like this...

We're just pretending to like you dear...

and like this...

I love these socks!

Mustering enough aplomb to stomach a jackass guest like "Monty" (freakishly blond eyebrows, above, left) without turning into an emotional wreck requires a steady flow of booze, and a party boat on autopilot; this way you can navigate the social waters with a perceived minimum of effort. You want to spend quality time with your actual friends (not the ones you invited to get that recommendation for the yacht club), and make sure the libations flow with no fuss. If your friends see you working hard, they naturally want to help, and then they can't relax either.

Hiring a bar tender is not suave at a casual affair, it seems over-planned, and, dare I say it, stuffy? Also, are you going to trust an Old Fashioned to some schmo you hired from a caterer? For all you know he became a bartender to "score with the ladies", and secretly has no idea what he's doing.

Wait, wait, so it's rum, and then the coke?

So in the spirit of the great Mr. W.S. Archibald, my grandfather, who could simultaneously shuck a quahog, mix a martini and pretend to listen to "Monty" without breaking a sweat; I give you two simple yet elegant drinks to help keep your party on a steady course.

Gastroliason's Social Mojito
Mojitos, while delicious, are a labor intensive drink, so the key here is to do the hard work ahead of time. This means using a pitcher to mix up a batch of them before the guests arrive. That way you avoid any fussing about at the bar, and please don't pour in soda ahead of time, let's keep things fizzy, ok?

This will make about 16 drinks. These should taste of citrus, with a clean, cool mint feel, balanced nicely by the sugar, this is not a super sweet drink (not when it's made right anyhow).


Shopping

• 750 ml Barcardi Limon Rum (the Limon really lends a nice complex citrus note, trust me, but plain Bacardi is just fine in a pinch)
• 5 good handfuls of mint leaves
• 10 Limes (cut into wedges) or 30 key limes, halved
  
• 3/4 cup of sugar or 16 oz of simple syrup (don't add to much, you can always make it sweeter later)
• 1 liter of Club Soda
• Ice, lots of it (really, can you have too much at a party?)

Equipment

• Muddler, or a sturdy wooden spoon
  
• Pitcher (try to get a nice one as you'll be serving from it)
  
• Either some good tumblers (taller than a rocks glass) or highball glasses (tall + skinny)

On Nantucket, this is done by my guest of a guest

How
I like working in batches using a pint glass (its easier to muddle in the short glass as opposed to a deep pitcher). It’s especially nice when you recruit friends to do this part...

Squeeze some limes, drop them in, add some mint and sugar (or syrup) and a little rum (just to keep it loose) and mash away. You want to release the oils from the lime skin and the mint.

Pour that into a pitcher. Keep going until you finish.

Add the rest of the rum. Stir and let it sit.

When it’s serving time, you may want to strain the mix. Depending on how long it will sit, the mint may oxidize and turn dark, and some people don’t like all the mash in the drink, it's up to you. If you strain it though, I recommend garnishing with lime slices and fresh mint leaves. It looks great.

Now can pour in the soda into your mix.

Fill your guests glass, and garnish with a lime slice, a mint sprig or a bunch of fresh mint leaves, whatever you like.

Download the printer friendly PDF

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The Sofia
A true party pleaser, this drink is super flexible. I first made this for a large crew in the art deco Sofia Condominiums in Manhattan. Served on the rocks, it's essentially a martini, with complex citrus and cucumber notes. Mixed with club soda, its a refreshing cocktail. Throw in a little sprite and its perfect for the sweet crowd. Again, this requires muddling, so grab your trusty friends and direct away.

Shopping

• 750 ml Vodka (don't skimp, get something good, Chopin, Grey Goose, Kettle One or similar).
  
• 8.5 oz simple syrup (potentially more if you prefer)
  
• 2 large cucumbers, peeled and rough chopped
• 1 large cucumber, peeled and sliced very thin, for garnish
  
• juice of 3 lemons
• 1/2 a bunch of seedless white grapes
  
• Club Soda
• Sprite or 7up
  
• Ice

Equipment

• Muddler, or a sturdy wooden spoon
  
• Pitcher (try to get a nice one as you'll be serving from it)
  
• Glasses

How
What we want to do is infuse the vodka with the flavor of the cucumber. The grapes add light flavor, the lemon some freshness and acid, and the simple syrup is really only there to balance the tartness of the lemons, not to make this a sugary drink.

In your pitcher, add the vodka, lemon juice, cucumbers and grapes. Muddle the cucumbers and grapes (it takes a while). Add the syrup a bit at a time, until it reaches a balance you like.

Let that sit overnight.

When ready to serve, simply mix it according to your guests taste, and garnish with a cucumber wafer. Classy.

La Cense = No Sense: La Cense Beef Truck Review

Recently, everyone got all a twitter about this truck and the burgers it peddles. I cynically looked at their website, and beheld the magic words "grass fed beef burger". Through tears of joy I read that the truck was within a reasonable walking distance from my office today. Sweet. Now I really, really, reeeeeally wanted to like this burger. I love the grass fed beef industry, and want to support anyone who has enough care and vision to raise their cows the way La Cense does. With absolutely no line at 12 noon, I ordered the standard burger (with cheese) and onions, no pickle, and a bottle of water.

Taste? No, sorry, fresh out.

The bun is good, light and fluffy; sturdy enough for a burger, without getting overly dense and compact. The sesame seeds are a nice touch. The onions are both great and terrible: They taste good, but they are the only thing you can taste on this battleship of bland that's about to set sail for a three hour tour of disappointment.

You want a pickle with that?

The cheese might be cheese, or could just be an edible napkin with a chewy texture. Seriously, if you're gonna go for the 95% oil processed "cheese", give me cheezewhiz, and let me enjoy the heady buzz of an MSG overdose and its salt lick satiety. Now, I love American processed cheese, so long as its real. Land o' Lakes makes a great one, as does Boar's Head. Both are available at you local deli counter, but not on this truck.

The biggest offense here is the meat. Now many reviewers are pointing to "overcooking" of the meat as the reason for its dryness and lack of beefy zip, but that's just wrong. I can understand the error coming from someone stuck in the flavor vacuum that is midtown; it's enough to force anyone's taste buds make a run for the hills.

Also, the "well it is made on a truck" excuse holds no water with me. If you cannot make a good burger on a truck, maybe you shouldn't be making burgers on a truck. Wow, that's so simple it's scary.

Looks tasty, huh? Well so does that plastic sushi in the window.

Made correctly, even a medium well burger should be juicy and delicious. Period. No excuses. Mine was actually nice and pink in the center, medium rare, and it still sucked; no flavor, dry, with a gross lack of texture and an annoying chewiness. Why? Over processing which inevitably leads to over packing, the busch league bane of the burger.

When beef is exposed to heat, its collagen proteins shrink and tighten. This can make your burger rubbery, dry, and well, tight. The easiest way to keep a burger from basically wringing itself out as it cooks is to start with a mildly coarse, loose grind. In order to really let the beef do the talking, it must be a nice blend of fat (this is the juicy) and good lean (this is the flavor) cuts, and it cannot be overground. Ever had a bowl of Pho? With beefballs? You could give those to a 5 year old and tell him they're superballs they bounce so well. It's because they're ground so fine (pulverized, actually) that when they are formed the proteins feel like they're riding the #4 train at rush-hour.

You see over processing leads to over packing; squished too tightly together before the heat makes it even tighter, the burger is doomed before it meets the griddle. No amount of searing, salt, fat or praying is gonna make that India rubber puck taste good. So really, in the end, the truck wasn't even the problem. Funny that. Now what to do, what to do...

My savior...

Yes, it was so bad I could not stoop to waste the caloric intake on it. I actually threw it in the trash.


Now normally La Cense would just get 0 Gastroliaison Bacon Strips for this offense to my belly, but they are a super high end, responsible and caring beef producer. I just don't get it. This burger is the culinary equivalent of spending six careful years on a painting, only to drag it behind a pickup truck on the way to the gallery. I had to make up a new award for this sad, sad excuse for a burger.

Gastroliaison's How Dare You Serve That Award

The Verdict: Avoid avoid avoid, don't even try it out of curiosity. I mean it, you'll be cranky.

This concludes Gastroliaison's review of the La Cense Beef Truck.